A Question

God, I mean no disrespect but I have to ask the question…
    “How hard is it for You to speak?”

Yes, I know You have spoken to me before.
Yes, I know that in my fear I chose not to respond.

But PLEASE, do not leave me in the muted land!

The only thing more frightening than the thunder of Your voice
Is the deafening sound of Your silence!

So what am I to do when the words of Yours that I read
do not match the life in which I’m living?

Is this what it means to walk by faith and not by sight?
Is this what it means to take up my cross and follow You?

If so, then I must cry out,

“I still believe…but help my unbelief!
Increase my faith for I feel that I am faltering!”

I know that like Job and Jonah I risk Your wrath in questioning,
But what else am I to do?

Granted I have uttered what I do not understand,
    things too wonderful for me…

But what else am I to do?

At least Job received an answer…
At least Jonah received a leviathan…
What have I received?!

I already know the answer.

I have received Your promises.
I have received Your faithfulness.
I have received Your mercy, grace and love.

Yet, it doesn’t seem enough.
Why can’t it be enough!

Why can’t I be still and know You are God?
Why can’t I rest in Your promises?

The road just seems too dark
    too to lonely
        too long.

Why must we walk it at all?

I guess that really is my question,
    That’s really all I want to know.

Why this road?
    Why us?

Like Peter, I’m really not going anywhere.
He was right, You know…
You alone have the words of life…

I’d just like to hear them from You…not from leather…from You.

I know I’m like Thomas, but that I need to touch…
even if that means my blessing will be less!

But it seems to me that poverty in heaven
is better than our abundance in the pit.

Yet here I am cursing the blessings You have given.
What is wrong with me!

I’m sorry.
    Yet I’m angry.

And all I really want is to talk with You.
Wait…no, is for You to talk to me.


This time I will try and listen.
This time I will try to obey.

I promise.

Even as I say that I doubt
    …not You…me.

I doubt.

But I’ll wait.
There is nothing else I can do…

except…

Thank You for Your promises.
Thank You for Your faithfulness.
Thank You for Your mercy, grace and love.
Thank You for Your abundance.

I’ll even try and thank You for the pit.
I’ll try.

And I’ll wait…
I’ll listen…for You to speak again.

Praise As I Awaite

In confusion I lie down to sleep
    knowing that my bed is a blessing from You
    knowing my full stomach is a blessing from You
    You are to be praised for all our provisions.

I wake up already exhausted for the day
    knowing You will not let me be tempted beyond my strength
    knowing You encamp Your angels about me
    You are to be praised for all our protections.

All day long I journey through the pit
    knowing even there You are with me
    knowing Your strong hand can lift me up
    You are to be praised for being Chief Pastor

So I praise You as as I grasp for the Truth...
I praise You as I lead my family through the dark...
I praise You in the valley of the shadow of death...
I praise You as I await deliverance.

To You I Cry...

Oh my God
    To You I cry...

You claim You have plans for us
    Yet we are still in exile
You claim You have a future for us
    Yet we cannot escape the past
You claim You offer us hope
    Yet we cannot see past the darkness

Come, oh God, and make straight our path
Come, oh God, as we acknowledge You
Come, oh God, and led us not into temptation
Come, oh God, as we trust in You

You are the God who parted the sea
    Yet we drown everyday in tears
You are the God who raises the dead
    Yet we still we are living in the pit

You are the God who calls light from nothing
    Yet darkness is our only companion
You are the God who heals all afflictions
    Yet we must still cry out unclean

I don't know what to do
    Where is Your Spirit of Truth?
I don't know what to say
    Where are Your Spirit with words?
I feel so alone
    Where is your Spirit of comfort?
I feel so broken and crushed
    Where is your Spirit of healing?

Oh my God
    To You I cry...

Do my words even grace Your presence?
Do my words ever turn Your head?
Do my cries even stir Your heart?
What is it that stays Your hand?

I sound like one who has no hope...
    Though I know that is not true.
I sound like one who has no faith...
    Lord I believe, help my unbelief.

Come today with Your Victory!
Show the world Your power.

Come today with Your Healing!
Remove all the hurt, guilt and shame.

With bold words I cower in Your presence
With a faint heart I approach Your graceful throne
With tired knees I will bow down before You
With a broken heart I call out Your name

I plead with You Father, take notice of my house
Bring the peace that passes understanding.
Just one more time, reach down with Your hand
That we might stand tall once again...

Then as a husband and father I might lead
In the way You intended all along
Then my wife and my children will fall down before You
Once again, at home, at Your throne.

Hear me oh God,
    To you I cry...

My Lament

Oh God, I look around and fear that everything is falling in around me.
Most days I wake up feeling like my head is underwater.
I go to bed feeling as if I had tread water all day.
The pit is pulling me down.

I've cried out to You so often with the same words.
Why don't You answer?!
Why don't You hear?!
Do You care?

I've reminded You of Your Words.
Do You care that Your created ones are sinking?
I've reminded You of Your promises.
Do You know that Your created ones are tired?

God, I must confess that I am angry with You.
Where is the wife of my youth that You blessed me with?
Where is the mother my boys so DESPERATELY need?

Is this what You meant for my wife to feel?
Is this what You meant for our marriage to be?
Is this what You meant for our family to experience?
Is this what You meant for those who watch to see?

WHAT HAVE WE DONE?
WHAT CAN WE DO?
PLEASE ANSWER SO THAT WE MAY KNOW!
God, I must confess that I am angry with You.

I know there is no answer but You.

God, I must confess that I hate some people.
I struggle as I hate those few who show no compassion for my wife.
I struggle as I hate the one who called for my job since my wife was sick.
I struggle as I hate this same one who would not meet with me
        to discuss forgiveness on both sides.
I do not want to hate.
It is painful.
It is ugly.
It costs me sleep.
It cost You Your SON!
It is the secret I keep from my wife.
God, I must confess that I hate some people.

Oh Father! I am no longer who I want to be.
I don't think I'm who You want me to be.
Oh what I need to be for You!
Oh what I need to be for Becca!
Oh what I need to be for Caleb and Noah and Gideon!
Oh what I need to be for Your congregation!
I am no longer who I want to be.

I have become lost.
So I lose myself in work.
So I lose myself in my boys.
So I lose myself in books.
So I lose myself in television.
Why can't I find myself in You?
I have become so lost.

God, I know I am a sinner.
God, I know that I sin.
Your Spirit shows me my weakness...please forgive me.
Please don't hold my sin against my wife.
Please don't hold my sin against my boys.
"But I am good," I say...and I know its a lie.
"But I at least I don't _________," I say...and I know that's not the point.
I am a sinner.

If sin is the problem, I know there is no answer but You.

I still feel as if I'm sinking.
I feel as if I'm whining.
I am tired, angry, hateful, lost, sinful and afraid.

So one more time I cry:

Heal my wife!
Protect my boys!
Forgive my sin and lead me in a path of rest!

This is how I wish to end...though tonight I do not "feel" it.
Yet tonight...I will "say" it:

Thank You that we do not drown.
Thank You that we do not go naked.
Thank You that we do not go hungry or thirsty.
Thank You that we are not alone physically or Spiritually.

You are God.
You are our God.
You are my God...and I Praise Your Name.

Amen.