The Mercy of Your court

Ok, just so You know…

The more time I spend in Your presence,

The more peace and direction I find.

Yet, in the very next instant

When I return to this world

I find that peace ruptured by this reality.

Do You know what I mean?

It is one thing to stop, pause, kneel…

And get lost in conversation with You.

It is entirely another thing

To have to return to the arena

That led me to my knees in the first place.

So I’m changing my tactics.

I’m going to be more focused.

Call me the persistent widow(er).

I am going to keep knocking on your bench

Through prayer and fasting

Until either I wither away to nothing...

Or You grow tired of me and grant me justice.

That feels way too bold.

Yet I feel way to tired to care.

That feels too…sacrilegious.

Yet You’ve made HUGE claims about Yourself.

Claims that say You hear us.

Claims that say You care and act.

Maybe I’ve not been loud enough.

So hopefully this will speak louder than words…or wails.

I hold fast to the claim that You’re good.

I hold fast to the claim that You’re just.

I hold fast to the claim that You can do more than I ask…or imagine.

Yet I can imagine a lot.

So I throw myself at the mercy of Your court.

Mercy is the only hope I have left.

I mean no disrespect…

It is because I respect both You and Your word

That I am so bold in asking You take up my cause.

Even when I’m in the pit

You are worthy of all praise.

Praise be to God.

For Far Too Long... (a song without music)

for far too long, we've been alone
sitting so close, yet miles apart
for far too long, we've been alone
the distance so great, yet we still share a home

(chorus)
why keep trying
why stay around
to make others think that our love still abounds

why keep on trying
when we both know
that most of our life now is simply for show
it’s simply for show

for far too long, we keep getting hurt
by neglecting each other, we build up our walls
for far too long, we keep getting hurt
you think its my fault, and I'm sure its not

(chorus)
so why keep trying
why stay around
to make others think that our love still abounds

why keep on trying
when we both know
that most of our life now is simply for show
it’s simply for show

(bridge)
wouldn't it be easier
wouldn't it be better
to face all our fears, confess that its over?

shouldn't we admit it
shouldn't we confess
when some things get broken, leaving is best
yes leaving is best
so we can have rest
leaving is best

for far too long, we have done nothing
letting us rot, letting us wither
for far too long, we have done nothing
So is it too late, or should we keep trying…

(new chorus)
we will keep trying
we'll stay around
for somewhere within us...our love still abounds

we will keep trying
for one day I know
we will be happy, we will be whole
yes we will be whole

we will be happy...
love will make whole..
because for far too long...we've been alone.

Where In My Hell…

When I feel like this, who do I tell?

Do I tell the one who hurts me?
Do I tell the little ones who rely on me?
Do I tell the family and friends who we need to uphold us?

Really, who do I tell?

It seems like I tell You all the time.
A L L T H E T I M E!
But I can’t seem to find out how to hear You.
Are You speaking to me?
Are You answering me?
If so, I can’t seem to tune You in!
I’ll take the blame for that…but can You fix it?
Because I sure can’t.
I don’t think humanity can.
How many of us are crying out and finding only silence?

I am mad.
I am hurt.
I am tired.
And I am lonely.

How can I go on in this condition?
Will You at least answer this question!
If You won’t tell me why…
If You won’t tell me how much longer…
Can You at least tell me how to go on…one more day!

I want to yell.
I want to cry.
I want to hit things.
I want to leave…or at lest for it to end.

I can’t even enjoy the few good days,
because I know what is coming tomorrow.

Look at how many times I’ve said “I.”
I realize that.
But how else am I to express myself?

It is hard to praise through tears.
It is hard to trust when you’ve been tripped so many times.
It is hard to be thankful when you see your children hurting as much as you are.

Where in my hell are You?
You said that if we made our bed in the depths that You would be there.
Well, I’m here. Where are You!?!

You pulled Peter out,
Kept him from drowning.
Do You still do those sorts of things?

Family.
Work.
Money.
Security.
Sexuality.
Friendship.

You said You came to give us life to the fullest.
Well, my tank is running past empty and on fumes.

I’m hiding in my office.
I guess I should go home now.
I’ve got to take care of everything.
I’ve got to protect my boys.

Guess I’ve got to be the punching bag.

You’ve been called the ‘Gentle Healer,’
Are You?
Care to do some healing?

You’ve been called the ‘Creator,’
Can You still?
Care to create something new and beautiful?


I’ve been told that You can do more than I can ask or imagine.
Well, I’m asking for a lot…but I honestly can’t imagine it ever happening.
Why imagine anymore?
That only leads to pain and disappointment.

I know I disappoint You.
All the time.
A L L T H E T I M E.

Shall we stop disappointing one another?
Please give me the strength to live as You would have me to.
Please give me wisdom to understand
Eyes to see
And ears to hear

I’m listening.
I’m waiting.

I’m heading home.

Will You be there?

Half Full

Lately I’ve been searching
For the lost Holy Spirit.
Mabe its more truthful to say…
“The Holy Spirit I’ve lost.”

I know I’ve lost Him,
Or had Him taken from me,
Because I can’t seem to rest in peace
Nor combat this dragon called anger.

It has been said that anger
Is an obstical to having the spirit’s presence.
No wonder I’m so angry!
No wonder I’m so empty!

I think I’m angry at a man
Yet I’m really quenching the Spirit.
I must be at fault…not him.
I’m the demon that’s at home in my own heart!

So, God, I’ve finally seen
The log that You’ve revealed.
And every bit of desire that is within me
Wants all this anger, this demon, eradicated!

In the words of one…who had a heart like Yours…

Renew my heart with your presence
And refill me with Your Holy Spirit!

Please God!
Thank You…God!

Amen.

Today

Today, like Paul,
I was content in all situations.
Today was a good day.

But, I do not know what tomorrow holds…
Will I be content in it?

Clearly, God, I’ve missed Paul’s point.
I know I have.
Clearly I’ve missed a lot.

But, this is one thinkg that I know…
Today, in Your creation,
I had no need for lament!
So, in my comfort I will praise You!

Today my family was safe
And my stomach was full.
So in my comfort I will thank You!

I’ve grown confident enough
To yell at You in the storm…
So, how dare I forget
To exalt You in the garden!

Today I am grateful
And hopeful
That my contentment will weather
All that is to come.

I thank You!
I praise You!
I Trust in Your holy name!

Amen.

Ashamed

Seriously God, did you really let that happen!

What were you thinking?

How could you let him do that to me?!?

Do You know how I feel…
EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT IT!

I feel dirty.
Ashamed.
Embarrassed…

And I didn’t do anything! He did!

And You did…You did nothing!

I feel as if You left me there…
In that place…
All alone.

He was bigger.
He was stronger.
He was older.

And You are bigger, stronger and older than him…
But You were absent!

Seriously God, did you really let that happen!

All this time wondering if I was gay because I didn’t cry out.
All this time wondering if I was at fault because I didn’t tell.
All this time wondering if I some how caused him to think I wanted him to.

All this time wondering how You could still look at someone as dirty as me.

Seriously God, did you really let that happen!

Oh God…please, finally, take away my shame.
Take away my guilt.
Take away my fear.

When I think about that time,
I get stuck in that place
I get stuck at that age

I don’t want to be stuck anymore in the land of guilt
In the land of shame
In the land of fear.

God, take me to a land where I’m safe…
Safe from the memory
The fear
And the dreams.

God, please, take it all away.
I want to feel pure again.

Broken

Sometime I wonder if the saying is true…
“Some things are just too broken to fix”

Are they? Too Broken?

Are we just eggs on a wall?
Are we just pieces of an incomplete puzzle?
Are we the cracks on the sidewalk in front of the house?

If You came to give us life to the fullest…
Must we wait for heaven to be made whole?
Must we wait for heaven to be put back together?

I thought that nothing was too great for You?
Not that I’m brave enough to test You but…can You fix this?

I know that we are but jars of clay …
I know that You are the potter…
Must You crush us?
…or allow us to be crushed?

Please, use us for noble purposes.
And if this is noble (How can it be?!)…please help us to understand how.

Again I will ask: Please be the gentle healer that I know You to be.

Amen.

Thank You

Last night it was cold outside
But I slept inside with a blanket.
Although around the world many went hungry
Last night I had plenty to eat.

Ok, so I don’t always get everything that I want…
but then again, neither do You.
You want us to love You
to trust You
to obey You

…but we don’t.
At least not consistantly.

So “Thank You” for not throwing up Your hands
“Thank You” for not having straws or camel’s backs
“Thank You” for listening
and listening
and listening

My faith is a gift from You.
My family is also a gift.

So with a greatful heart I ask again…
Increase my faith and heal my family.

Thank You for hearing my prayer.

I Confess

O God, where do I begin?

You already know it all, what I’ve done…and I guess so do I,
so where do I start so that You will know…
that I know that I’m broken
and in the wrong.

It has to be my lack of understanding
My inability to see or hear
For I know that You are a good God

But if Your ways are not mine
And if Your thoughts are above mine
Then what am I to do?
Really.

I’ll tell You I’m a sinner…
I’ll shout it from the mountain top -- if that helps.
I’m aware I’m a hypocrite. You know, “Fake it ‘till you make it!”
always with a smile! :)
It’s clear that what I want to do I don’t do
and what I do is not what I want to do.

You know it! I know it!
I’m sorry. Really. Truly.

I’m trying to confess to You NOT in hopes of making a bargain.
I’m trying to confess to You without hopes of repayment.
I’m trying to confess to You in hopes of a clean, well…cleaner, heart

That’s what I’m trying to do!
That’s what I want to do

But since I’m being honest here…

I’m open to bargaining.
You don’t owe me anything, but my hands are open.
But I do want, need, desire that clean heart!

Maybe the most honest confession is…
that I really don’t know what I want
that I really don’t know what we need
that I really don’t know who You are or who I am.

Is that a good confession?

Reaching

Ok, I realize that I’ve been complaining…
And whining…
And yelling…
And being altogether spoiled.

But honestly, I don’t know what to do.

What do I do when the injured – injures?
What do I do when ONE needs more than THREE…
but there is just me and all are in need – even me?
What do I do?

Please, in whatever way possible, speak to me!
I’m opening my eyes…
My heart…
My ears…

I’ll listen to the thunder,
The wind,
The rain,
The whisper,
Your voice!

Please.

I’m reaching out
I’m reaching in
I’m reaching up to you as mine do to me

Please.

Not a stone
Not a serpent
Not a scorpion
I call you Father!
Please, an answer!

Please.

hope

So why do we keep trying…again and again and again
when it seems like every failure only magnifies the load?

It seems there would be a line
a period
a camel’s back
where we would say enough is enough…we’re done!

Yet because of You, I must confess, we never seem to reach that place.
I think it might be easier if we did. But we don’t.

We will keep walking the tightrope of hope…
without looking down.
Because I’m afraid that if we look down
we might actually fall into the pit.

And as much as I confess the possibility of Your healing is a reality…
There is a reality to the pit that seems much more in focus.
So Father, give us eyes that can see Your truth
for the lies are ever so loud.

So, again, we hope against hope in You, a sure thing…
being told Your hope doesn’t disappoint.

False Light

It seems strange that something like Your light…
would be so elusive.
For even the darkest night
becomes like day at Your arrival.

Yet it seems that each time we believe Your light has come --
It lasts only long enough for us to see what we lack and need.

Is this light a false light?
Is this light from You?

Why would You shine Your light upon us
only to take it away as our souls are reacquainted with peace!

Is that what is happening?
Is this what I’m to understand is “life to the fullest?”

I understand that I am not the light.
I understand that I cannot create nor sustain light.
I do not speak as one competing for a place…
I only cry out as one who confesses a need for illumination…
…illumination that only YOU can provide!

Are these flashes to be considered a respite?
If so, then why do they take us deeper into darkness upon their decay?

If these flashes are but a temporary remission,
they seem to only worsen the return of the shadows.

Where is the Light that shines so brightly that no sun is needed?
Where is the Light set on a hill that cannot be hidden by a bushel?
Where is the Light that is to guide my feet and show me the path of hope?

You said that if we asked…You would give.
That if we sought…You would be found.
That if we knocked…
You would turn the porch light on!

Father…its as if all joy has been snuffed out…
…again.

How much longer would You have us endure the darkness?
Our eyes have grown accustomed…
I think we call it home.

But I’ve seen the light!
I have!

And memory of it alone is almost enough to continue…almost.
Memory of it alone is enough to hope.

So, Bright and Morning Star, shine on us.

Make Your path so shine that we cannot help but follow.

If we have made darkness our home…evict us…
…and lead us in the way everlasting…in light.

Amen.

Back After A LONG Absence.

It has been awhile since I last posted. Below I've added two posts from an older blog concerning my use of the Anglican or Ecumenical Rosary. I've since written two more sets of prayers for the Rosary as well as many more lament/prayers. I hope to upload all of them over the next few days.

I've also written a Prayer Book that I hope to upload as time permits.

Two other activities I'd like to undertake is a review of books that I'm reading or have read and updates on my journey as an Oblate with the community of St. Brigid of Kildare Benedictine Monastery.

Thanks for joining me on my journey.

Grace & Peace,

Wes

Second Week Of Rosary Prayers

This second set of Rosary prayers have a specific purpose. In writing them, I was hoping to create a set of prayers that would allow me to confess my brokenness and need for God's mercy and forgiveness to Him through the use of Scripture.

I hope that you find them as helpful for you as they have been to me. Please feel free to email me with any suggestions or questions.

Week Two Prayers

The Cross

Our Father who art in heaven
Hallowed by Thy name.

Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day
Our daily bread,
And forgive us our sins,
As we forgive those
Who sin against us.

And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil,
For Thine is the kingdom,
And the power,
And the glory forever.

Amen.

The Invitatory

"Hear, O LORD, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.
Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.
You are my God; save your servant
who trusts in you.
You are forgiving and good, O Lord,
abounding in love to all who call to you.”
-- Psalm 86:1 & 2

The Cruciforms

1. “O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.
If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, who could stand?
But with You there is forgiveness; therefore You are feared.”
-- Psalm 130:2-4

2. "In You I have redemption through Jesus’ blood,
the forgiveness of my sins,
in accordance with the riches of Your grace that You lavished upon me
with all wisdom and understanding."
--Ephesians 1:7 & 8

3. “There is no God like You.
You forgive those who are guilty
of sin; You will not stay angry forever,
because You enjoy showing mercy.”
--Micah 7:18

4. “Give ear, O God, and hear;
I do not make requests of You because I righteous,
but because of Your great mercy.”
--Daniel 9:18

The Weeks

1. “Put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love and with Him is full redemption.”
--Psalm 130:7

2. " Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer."
--Psalm 4:1

3. “O Lord my God, give attention to your servant's prayer
and my plea for mercy that I pray in your presence this day.”
--I Kings 8:28

4. “But in your great mercy you did not put an end to them or abandon them,
for you are a gracious and merciful God.”
-- Nehemiah 9:31

The Closing Cruciform

Glory to God in the highest
We praise Thee, we bless Thee,
We worship Thee, we glorify Thee,
we give thanks to Thee for Thy great mercy.

O Lord, heavenly King, God the Father Almighty;
O Lord, the Son, Jesus Christ; and O Holy Spirit.
O Lord God, Lamb of God, Son of the Father,
That takes away the sin of the world,
Have mercy on us.

The Closing Invitatory
Doxology

Praise God from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him all creatures here below
Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost

The Closing Cross

Our Father who art in heaven
Hallowed by Thy name.

Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day
Our daily bread,
And forgive us our sins,
As we forgive those
Who sin against us.

And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil,
For Thine is the kingdom,
And the power,
And the glory forever.
Amen.

May the Lord bless you and keep you.

Grace & Peace,

Wes

Praying The Anglican or Ecumenical Rosary

I'm guessing if you are like me, and grew up Protestant, you might have wondered what in the world a Rosary was and what it was used for. A string of beads, crosses and prayers that people seemed to recite every time something bad was about to happen. It was a Catholic thing.

Then, I discovered the Anglican or Ecumenical Rosary. And, I must say, it has been a blessing! I guess what I have discovered is that it is another tool to aid me in talking to God. And, to answer the question some of you might be asking...When you use the Anglican Rosary, you don't pray to Mary. But, what I have found to be true is that the way the Rosary is designed, I pray a lot of Scripture back to God. I get to use His words in talking to Him. It has been a great way to listen to His Word and to memorize His Word as I pray.

Let me show you want one looks like:




The Cross and each of the beads help to lead you in prayer. You start at the Cross (praying the Lord's Prayer or the Our Father) and move around the chain. Here is a set of prayers I wrote for the Anglican Rosary. You can see which prayers go with which beads by viewing the diagram above.

Week One Prayers

The Cross

Our Father who art in heaven
Hallowed by Thy name.

Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day
Our daily bread,
And forgive us our sins,
As we forgive those
Who sin against us.

And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil,
For Thine is the kingdom,
And the power,
And the glory forever.

Amen.

The Invitatory

"May the words of my mouth
And the meditations of my heart
Be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord,
My Strength
And my Redeemer."
-- Psalm 19:14

The Cruciforms

1. "God You are my refuge and strength, a very present help in time of trouble."
-- Psalm 46:1

2. "Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless God's Holy Name."
--Psalm 103:1

3. "I lift my eyes unto the hills; where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth."
--Psalm 121:1-2

4. "To Him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb,
be praise and honor and glory and power, for ever and ever! Amen."
--Revelation 5:13

The Weeks

1. "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner."
--Luke 18:13

2. "Come Lord Jesus, draw us to yourself."
--John 12:32

3. "Holy, Holy, Holy are you Lord God Almighty, who was, and is and is to come."
--Revelation 4:8

4. From the rising of the sun unto the going down of the same
the name of the Lord shall be praised!
-- Psalm 113:3

The Closing Cruciform

I bow before the Father who made me,
I bow before the Son who saved me,
I bow before the Spirit who guides me.


The Closing Invitatory
Doxology

Praise God from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him all creatures here below
Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost

The Cross

Our Father who art in heaven
Hallowed by Thy name.

Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day
Our daily bread,
And forgive us our sins,
As we forgive those
Who sin against us.

And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil,
For Thine is the kingdom,
And the power,
And the glory forever.

The prayer beads are made up of twenty-eight beads divided into four groups of seven called weeks. In the Judeo-Christian tradition the number seven represents spiritual perfection and completion. Between each week is a single bead, called a cruciform bead as the four beads form a cross. The invitatory bead between the cross and the wheel of beads brings the total to thirty-three, the number of years in Jesus’ earthly life.

Praying The Beads:

To begin, hold the Cross and say the prayer you have assigned to it, then move to the Invitatory Bead. Then enter the circle of the prayer with the first Cruciform Bead, moving to the right, go through the first set of seven beads to the next Cruciform bead, continuing around the circle, saying the prayers for each bead.

It is suggested that you pray around the circle of the beads three times (which signifies the Trinity) in an unhurried pace, allowing the repetition to become a sort of lullaby of love and praise that enables your mind to rest and your heart to become quiet and still.

(taken from The King Of Peace website)

It took a bit to get used to praying prayers over and over. But, since most come straight from Scripture, I began to have words from God and to God in my head all day...memorized. What a blessing.
Well, I hope you find this helpful. It has been for me. I hope to post two more sets of prayers I've put together for the Rosary.

Grace & Peace,

Wes