The Mercy of Your court

Ok, just so You know…

The more time I spend in Your presence,

The more peace and direction I find.

Yet, in the very next instant

When I return to this world

I find that peace ruptured by this reality.

Do You know what I mean?

It is one thing to stop, pause, kneel…

And get lost in conversation with You.

It is entirely another thing

To have to return to the arena

That led me to my knees in the first place.

So I’m changing my tactics.

I’m going to be more focused.

Call me the persistent widow(er).

I am going to keep knocking on your bench

Through prayer and fasting

Until either I wither away to nothing...

Or You grow tired of me and grant me justice.

That feels way too bold.

Yet I feel way to tired to care.

That feels too…sacrilegious.

Yet You’ve made HUGE claims about Yourself.

Claims that say You hear us.

Claims that say You care and act.

Maybe I’ve not been loud enough.

So hopefully this will speak louder than words…or wails.

I hold fast to the claim that You’re good.

I hold fast to the claim that You’re just.

I hold fast to the claim that You can do more than I ask…or imagine.

Yet I can imagine a lot.

So I throw myself at the mercy of Your court.

Mercy is the only hope I have left.

I mean no disrespect…

It is because I respect both You and Your word

That I am so bold in asking You take up my cause.

Even when I’m in the pit

You are worthy of all praise.

Praise be to God.

For Far Too Long... (a song without music)

for far too long, we've been alone
sitting so close, yet miles apart
for far too long, we've been alone
the distance so great, yet we still share a home

(chorus)
why keep trying
why stay around
to make others think that our love still abounds

why keep on trying
when we both know
that most of our life now is simply for show
it’s simply for show

for far too long, we keep getting hurt
by neglecting each other, we build up our walls
for far too long, we keep getting hurt
you think its my fault, and I'm sure its not

(chorus)
so why keep trying
why stay around
to make others think that our love still abounds

why keep on trying
when we both know
that most of our life now is simply for show
it’s simply for show

(bridge)
wouldn't it be easier
wouldn't it be better
to face all our fears, confess that its over?

shouldn't we admit it
shouldn't we confess
when some things get broken, leaving is best
yes leaving is best
so we can have rest
leaving is best

for far too long, we have done nothing
letting us rot, letting us wither
for far too long, we have done nothing
So is it too late, or should we keep trying…

(new chorus)
we will keep trying
we'll stay around
for somewhere within us...our love still abounds

we will keep trying
for one day I know
we will be happy, we will be whole
yes we will be whole

we will be happy...
love will make whole..
because for far too long...we've been alone.

Where In My Hell…

When I feel like this, who do I tell?

Do I tell the one who hurts me?
Do I tell the little ones who rely on me?
Do I tell the family and friends who we need to uphold us?

Really, who do I tell?

It seems like I tell You all the time.
A L L T H E T I M E!
But I can’t seem to find out how to hear You.
Are You speaking to me?
Are You answering me?
If so, I can’t seem to tune You in!
I’ll take the blame for that…but can You fix it?
Because I sure can’t.
I don’t think humanity can.
How many of us are crying out and finding only silence?

I am mad.
I am hurt.
I am tired.
And I am lonely.

How can I go on in this condition?
Will You at least answer this question!
If You won’t tell me why…
If You won’t tell me how much longer…
Can You at least tell me how to go on…one more day!

I want to yell.
I want to cry.
I want to hit things.
I want to leave…or at lest for it to end.

I can’t even enjoy the few good days,
because I know what is coming tomorrow.

Look at how many times I’ve said “I.”
I realize that.
But how else am I to express myself?

It is hard to praise through tears.
It is hard to trust when you’ve been tripped so many times.
It is hard to be thankful when you see your children hurting as much as you are.

Where in my hell are You?
You said that if we made our bed in the depths that You would be there.
Well, I’m here. Where are You!?!

You pulled Peter out,
Kept him from drowning.
Do You still do those sorts of things?

Family.
Work.
Money.
Security.
Sexuality.
Friendship.

You said You came to give us life to the fullest.
Well, my tank is running past empty and on fumes.

I’m hiding in my office.
I guess I should go home now.
I’ve got to take care of everything.
I’ve got to protect my boys.

Guess I’ve got to be the punching bag.

You’ve been called the ‘Gentle Healer,’
Are You?
Care to do some healing?

You’ve been called the ‘Creator,’
Can You still?
Care to create something new and beautiful?


I’ve been told that You can do more than I can ask or imagine.
Well, I’m asking for a lot…but I honestly can’t imagine it ever happening.
Why imagine anymore?
That only leads to pain and disappointment.

I know I disappoint You.
All the time.
A L L T H E T I M E.

Shall we stop disappointing one another?
Please give me the strength to live as You would have me to.
Please give me wisdom to understand
Eyes to see
And ears to hear

I’m listening.
I’m waiting.

I’m heading home.

Will You be there?

Half Full

Lately I’ve been searching
For the lost Holy Spirit.
Mabe its more truthful to say…
“The Holy Spirit I’ve lost.”

I know I’ve lost Him,
Or had Him taken from me,
Because I can’t seem to rest in peace
Nor combat this dragon called anger.

It has been said that anger
Is an obstical to having the spirit’s presence.
No wonder I’m so angry!
No wonder I’m so empty!

I think I’m angry at a man
Yet I’m really quenching the Spirit.
I must be at fault…not him.
I’m the demon that’s at home in my own heart!

So, God, I’ve finally seen
The log that You’ve revealed.
And every bit of desire that is within me
Wants all this anger, this demon, eradicated!

In the words of one…who had a heart like Yours…

Renew my heart with your presence
And refill me with Your Holy Spirit!

Please God!
Thank You…God!

Amen.

Today

Today, like Paul,
I was content in all situations.
Today was a good day.

But, I do not know what tomorrow holds…
Will I be content in it?

Clearly, God, I’ve missed Paul’s point.
I know I have.
Clearly I’ve missed a lot.

But, this is one thinkg that I know…
Today, in Your creation,
I had no need for lament!
So, in my comfort I will praise You!

Today my family was safe
And my stomach was full.
So in my comfort I will thank You!

I’ve grown confident enough
To yell at You in the storm…
So, how dare I forget
To exalt You in the garden!

Today I am grateful
And hopeful
That my contentment will weather
All that is to come.

I thank You!
I praise You!
I Trust in Your holy name!

Amen.

Ashamed

Seriously God, did you really let that happen!

What were you thinking?

How could you let him do that to me?!?

Do You know how I feel…
EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT IT!

I feel dirty.
Ashamed.
Embarrassed…

And I didn’t do anything! He did!

And You did…You did nothing!

I feel as if You left me there…
In that place…
All alone.

He was bigger.
He was stronger.
He was older.

And You are bigger, stronger and older than him…
But You were absent!

Seriously God, did you really let that happen!

All this time wondering if I was gay because I didn’t cry out.
All this time wondering if I was at fault because I didn’t tell.
All this time wondering if I some how caused him to think I wanted him to.

All this time wondering how You could still look at someone as dirty as me.

Seriously God, did you really let that happen!

Oh God…please, finally, take away my shame.
Take away my guilt.
Take away my fear.

When I think about that time,
I get stuck in that place
I get stuck at that age

I don’t want to be stuck anymore in the land of guilt
In the land of shame
In the land of fear.

God, take me to a land where I’m safe…
Safe from the memory
The fear
And the dreams.

God, please, take it all away.
I want to feel pure again.

Broken

Sometime I wonder if the saying is true…
“Some things are just too broken to fix”

Are they? Too Broken?

Are we just eggs on a wall?
Are we just pieces of an incomplete puzzle?
Are we the cracks on the sidewalk in front of the house?

If You came to give us life to the fullest…
Must we wait for heaven to be made whole?
Must we wait for heaven to be put back together?

I thought that nothing was too great for You?
Not that I’m brave enough to test You but…can You fix this?

I know that we are but jars of clay …
I know that You are the potter…
Must You crush us?
…or allow us to be crushed?

Please, use us for noble purposes.
And if this is noble (How can it be?!)…please help us to understand how.

Again I will ask: Please be the gentle healer that I know You to be.

Amen.