Ashamed

Seriously God, did you really let that happen!

What were you thinking?

How could you let him do that to me?!?

Do You know how I feel…
EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT IT!

I feel dirty.
Ashamed.
Embarrassed…

And I didn’t do anything! He did!

And You did…You did nothing!

I feel as if You left me there…
In that place…
All alone.

He was bigger.
He was stronger.
He was older.

And You are bigger, stronger and older than him…
But You were absent!

Seriously God, did you really let that happen!

All this time wondering if I was gay because I didn’t cry out.
All this time wondering if I was at fault because I didn’t tell.
All this time wondering if I some how caused him to think I wanted him to.

All this time wondering how You could still look at someone as dirty as me.

Seriously God, did you really let that happen!

Oh God…please, finally, take away my shame.
Take away my guilt.
Take away my fear.

When I think about that time,
I get stuck in that place
I get stuck at that age

I don’t want to be stuck anymore in the land of guilt
In the land of shame
In the land of fear.

God, take me to a land where I’m safe…
Safe from the memory
The fear
And the dreams.

God, please, take it all away.
I want to feel pure again.