My Lament

Oh God, I look around and fear that everything is falling in around me.
Most days I wake up feeling like my head is underwater.
I go to bed feeling as if I had tread water all day.
The pit is pulling me down.

I've cried out to You so often with the same words.
Why don't You answer?!
Why don't You hear?!
Do You care?

I've reminded You of Your Words.
Do You care that Your created ones are sinking?
I've reminded You of Your promises.
Do You know that Your created ones are tired?

God, I must confess that I am angry with You.
Where is the wife of my youth that You blessed me with?
Where is the mother my boys so DESPERATELY need?

Is this what You meant for my wife to feel?
Is this what You meant for our marriage to be?
Is this what You meant for our family to experience?
Is this what You meant for those who watch to see?

WHAT HAVE WE DONE?
WHAT CAN WE DO?
PLEASE ANSWER SO THAT WE MAY KNOW!
God, I must confess that I am angry with You.

I know there is no answer but You.

God, I must confess that I hate some people.
I struggle as I hate those few who show no compassion for my wife.
I struggle as I hate the one who called for my job since my wife was sick.
I struggle as I hate this same one who would not meet with me
        to discuss forgiveness on both sides.
I do not want to hate.
It is painful.
It is ugly.
It costs me sleep.
It cost You Your SON!
It is the secret I keep from my wife.
God, I must confess that I hate some people.

Oh Father! I am no longer who I want to be.
I don't think I'm who You want me to be.
Oh what I need to be for You!
Oh what I need to be for Becca!
Oh what I need to be for Caleb and Noah and Gideon!
Oh what I need to be for Your congregation!
I am no longer who I want to be.

I have become lost.
So I lose myself in work.
So I lose myself in my boys.
So I lose myself in books.
So I lose myself in television.
Why can't I find myself in You?
I have become so lost.

God, I know I am a sinner.
God, I know that I sin.
Your Spirit shows me my weakness...please forgive me.
Please don't hold my sin against my wife.
Please don't hold my sin against my boys.
"But I am good," I say...and I know its a lie.
"But I at least I don't _________," I say...and I know that's not the point.
I am a sinner.

If sin is the problem, I know there is no answer but You.

I still feel as if I'm sinking.
I feel as if I'm whining.
I am tired, angry, hateful, lost, sinful and afraid.

So one more time I cry:

Heal my wife!
Protect my boys!
Forgive my sin and lead me in a path of rest!

This is how I wish to end...though tonight I do not "feel" it.
Yet tonight...I will "say" it:

Thank You that we do not drown.
Thank You that we do not go naked.
Thank You that we do not go hungry or thirsty.
Thank You that we are not alone physically or Spiritually.

You are God.
You are our God.
You are my God...and I Praise Your Name.

Amen.